My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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