I'm going to jail i love you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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