HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
