my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
