please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have post one night stand depression
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