OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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