Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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