Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
