Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
