I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
