I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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