I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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