I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
