i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
