peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
