The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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