Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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