Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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