I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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