I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found your dick twin last night
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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