i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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