You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
