We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
