OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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