Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
