Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
