Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
