making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
