so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
