Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
