I wanna passion pit in your ass
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
