is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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