This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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