I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
