my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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