things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
