Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
