I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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