bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize