Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
