Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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