He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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