She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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