I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
