Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
