Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
