went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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