So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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