I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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