Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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