3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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