see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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