I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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