I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize