Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
