Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
